I'm happy.  I truly am.  I've dealt with shit in my life, everybody has.  You work through it.  I'm still improving, but I'm as happy as I have ever been in my life ... from when I can remember.  I've worked hard to get here and I am still working hard to improve.  I have everything within myself to be happy.  So why do I have this feeling that something's about to change?  That something NEEDS to change?  Drastically, too.  I can't shake it. 

I've felt like I wanted something other than Toledo for as long as I can remember.  I'm sure a different town's going to be the same in a lot of ways, but for reasons I don't want to go into here, I want to see something else.  I want to be somewhere else.  I want to travel and experience, then decide for myself.  I'm 30.  I have a house, two dogs, a cat ... packing up and moving wouldn't be the easiest thing to do.  Seldom is something genuinely worth doing also easy, though.  And yes, I know how fucking cliche that sounds.  Anyhow, this feeling has gotten overwhelming recently.  I've felt a pull, but I'm not sure what it's pulling toward.  There are places I've considered ... Columbus, Michigan, Indiana, Chicago, Florida, Texas, anywhere out west, Portland, even Alaska.  I've just not been able to figure out what or where.  Sometimes, it's almost like a cigarette craving.  It's that goddamn strong.  I'm not sure that's healthy, but that's how it feels.

Oh, and my job.  Yeah, I know you're not supposed to say this somewhere that they can read it, but I'm not happy where I work.  I don't want to go into details, ask me one on one and I'll tell you, but I'm simply unhappy.  This generally means I start looking for something else.  I can't decide what I want to do, though.  There's so much more to this, but ... I don't want to say too much here.  I'm not afraid to quit jobs, but I can't quite take the leap into full-time contract work.  I'm not sure what's holding me back other than the fears of others who aren't in the same line of work as me.  That and I feel like I'm not quite prepared.

Relationships.  Fuck.  I'm happy alone, I truly am.  I wouldn't mind spending time with someone I really like, though.  I wouldn't mind finding someone I really like.  I have found women I really like, but there always seems to be a reason it won't work.  She lives too far, I'm a "friend," excuses are made, or I wait too fucking long and just lose my chance.  I'm bad about that last one.  For some damn reason, I'm terrified of the opposite sex.  I've gotten better, but even today ... let's just say I looked like an ass.  I don't know what's so damn hard about walking up, saying "Hi, I'm Scott," sparking up a conversation for two minutes and then asking if I can call sometime.  I'm a great guy.  I know this.  There are many reasons for any woman to say yes, yet I always stop myself from asking just because I don't want a no.  I'd rather go on a fucking job interview than ask a girl on a date.  What the shit?  I'm working on it ...

I've been talking to a lot of people about most of these things recently.  To be honest, I'm kind of at a loss about how much of this is actually legit and how much is just within me.  I feel like I'm complaining all the time.  It's not that I'm an unhappy person, it's just that I'm not content with my present situation in certain areas.  I know that I could use some changes and I know that I'm the only one who can make them, but I can't quite figure out what those changes should be and I let that keep me in the same position I'm in right now, that I was in a year ago.  I fear failure.  I'm sure most people do, to some degree.  Some more than others.  I fear change, to some degree, but I've made changes in the past when I need to.  I am afraid of quitting my job and being broke because I can't find the work to get by.  I don't know which path to take so i just continue along the same one, the one I've been walking down for a while now.  The scenery is old.  It all looks the same.  It's like driving in Ohio ... straight, flat and boring.  I could use a few mountains.  I could use a roadblock so I have to take a detour.  I could use getting lost so I have to fucking find my way again.  Something.  I'm the only one who can do it, though, and I'm not going to get anywhere THINKING about what needs done ... I'll get somewhere by doing it.  Even if I fail, it's still a success if I apply it to future experiences.  I'm not going to die, the worst I can lose is material possessions.  So what am I so afraid of?  Why can't I just fucking do it?